#4 Authenticity vs. Adaptation - When Is It OK To CHANGE For A Better Chance At Love?

In this episode of The Tinder Project, hosts Mark Rosenfeld and Teal Elisabeth explore the dynamics of online dating, sharing humorous anecdotes and insights from their experiences. They introduce a new segment highlighting the best and worst profiles encountered, leading to a deeper discussion on whether individuals should change themselves to improve their dating prospects. The conversation delves into the complexities of identity, authenticity, and personal growth, encouraging listeners to reflect on their true selves and the identities they may need to shed for healthier relationships.

Takeaways
The Tinder Project aims to make dating fun and easy.
Humor plays a key role in navigating online dating.
Profiles can be both entertaining and revealing about personality.
Creativity in dating profiles can stand out positively.
Authenticity is crucial in dating and relationships.
Changing superficial aspects of oneself can be beneficial.
Understanding the three parts of self: body, mind, and soul.
Identities can be limiting and may need to be re-evaluated.
Personal growth often requires shedding outdated identities.
The essence of who we are should be celebrated and expressed.

Chapters
00:00
Introduction to The Tinder Project
01:23
Wit and Dim Wit of the Week
10:14
Should You Change for Dating?
23:29
Identity and Authenticity in Relationships

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to The Tinder Project
• 1:23 Wit and Dim Wit of the Week
• 10:14 10:14 Should You Change Yourself For Dating?
• 23:29 Identity Change Vs Authenticity in Relationships

Transcript

[Speaker 1]
G'day and welcome to The Tinder Project, the podcast where a straight Aussie man attempts to survive 365 days dating online as an American woman. I'm your host, Mark Rosenfeld, Australia's dating coach for women. I'm here with my sidekick, self-love coach Teal Elizabeth, and together we have one mission to make meeting good men fun and easy for you.

Let's give it a go. Can I survive 365 days straight dating online as an American woman? What are some of the wildest things I've seen online this week?

And should you change who you are to be better at dating and relationships? Welcome to The Tinder Project. It is Mark Rosenfeld.

It is my pleasure to have you here this week. And I am joined by the amazing, the beautiful, the ever-wonderful Teal Elizabeth.

[Speaker 2]
Hi, Mark. Good to be here.

[Speaker 1]
It is great to have you here, Teal. Teal managed to sabotage a dentist appointment yesterday, but despite that, her teeth are still wonderful. Teal, it's great to have you here despite these accidents.

Shall we dive in today?

[Speaker 2]
Yeah. Well, I know for myself and our listeners, you've got to tell us what has been happening in your world. What shenanigans have you been getting into this week?

[Speaker 1]
The Tinder Project has been going strong and I wanted to put a new segment on the project this week, where we look at some of the best and some of the worst that I've been coming across in my online travels and experiences. So I'm creating a new section and audience listeners, I want to know if you guys like this. It's going to be the wit and dim wit of the week.

We're going to be showcasing the best, the worst, and the most hilarious of what I've come across. I'm sure that we'll have all sorts of extrapolations based off of this, but for this first one today, I wanted to really show you guys two of the most fascinating profiles that I came across in my online travels this week. So this previous couple of weeks, we have been traversing match.com and I'm going to tell you a little bit about what we've been doing on that website in next week's episode. But in doing so, I've come across or I came across two wonderful profiles. Now, Teal, do we start with the wit or the dim wit? What do you want to see first?

[Speaker 2]
Oh, it's like when someone says, do you want the best, best news or the worst news first? Let's see the good. Let's see the good.

[Speaker 1]
You want to see the good. All right.

[Speaker 2]
Oh, I don't know. No, let's see the bad. We all love the bad.

[Speaker 1]
You want to see the bad first. You want to start with the dim wit of the week. All right.

The dim wit of the week, you know, it was crazy because I came across this guy and we, we kind of had that huge chuckle and then ruled him out. But then about eight days later, I said, geez, I should have kept that one for the podcast. And one of my clients eight days later remembered his name and just a fleeting glance.

So I knew I want to shout out to my client genius for helping me retrieve this profile. Now I'm going to bring this up screen here. This is Travis.

Travis had some rather eclectic, interesting photos, but there was nothing compared to Travis's bio that he wrote to meet a lovely lady on match.com. So I'm gonna go ahead and just bring this up. This is Travis.

Travis, you win dim wit of the week. Now, for those who are listening, what you can see on screen right now is a block of text that is no less than about 30 lines in length with not a single paragraph, but that's not really what's magical about Travis's bio here. What's magical is the use of emojis and the sentence structure he has employed.

So you can imagine if you can't see on the screen, we've got a huge block in front of us, but I'm going to read you some of the highlights because the whole thing would take too damn long. Travis's summary, my go-to strategies, and then he has a, what looks like a queen emoji, include high emoji counts. He has a rocket emoji in the chat and then a second queen emoji.

And that's about the extent of my game plan so far with a parachute emoji. The next thing he says is playbook still under sun development. Check back later.

It's a boulder emoji and an umbrella emoji. Happy to be here and volcano emoji and have arrived unscathed with a sick emoji. This goes on and on.

I'm just going to pull a couple of the other points here. We get about halfway down. Weeks or years later, I felt the highs of life, the lows as well.

I've never lost anything unless I give up willingly, which is followed by a truck, a rollercoaster, a Taj Mahal, and a horse emoji. Please don't be shy. It continues a little bit further down.

Be a friend and you've got a friend in me and maybe your next moment will come from it with a clock emoji. I'm a smart ass, followed by a helicopter, a target, and a purple radio emoji, I think that is. Schickst altatchest with a musical note emoji.

And look, guys, it just keeps going and going. But can we just give Travis a moment here? I want to send appreciation for this nonsensical emoji full jargon.

I don't know what happened when Travis was writing this. It's like he went into chat GPT, said I want a profile. Here's a bunch of stuff I'm interested in.

Include lots of emojis, make it interesting and random and chat with him on this.

[Speaker 2]
I actually have a lot of compassion for poor Travis because if this is what's coming out of his brain, imagine what it's like living in his brain.

[Speaker 1]
He just got really excited. I just got so many ideas. I don't want to get him down.

[Speaker 2]
But we're not here to bash, right? We're not here to bash.

[Speaker 1]
We're not, but we need to entertain ourselves in this process. That was a funny one. Wit of the week goes to Larry.

I don't have a screenshot of Larry's, but I do have a copy and paste. I want to give a shout out to you, Larry, because the not so good comes with the really good. Larry was a lovely gentleman, a little more mature, I believe he was in his late 50s, early 60s.

He had written quite a nice bio, longer length, which is quite typical on Match.com. Towards the end of the bio, Larry wrote two paragraphs. And at first I noticed, well, these two paragraphs are just full of questions.

And it starts off, here are some questions your girlfriend might pepper you with regarding me. And he basically lists a block of questions. Is he nice?

Did he show respect? Is he funny? Is he kind?

Does he have a nice smile? Does he have a nice eyes? Does he like yours?

Is he not judgemental? He just has this barrel of questions. There's about 25 in a row.

Does he have PDA skills? It goes on and on. And then at the end of that paragraph, he says, to all these questions, you may tell your girlfriend an emphatic, all caps, yes.

Daniel Disney And then the next paragraph, he starts off, did he meet you in Birkensteins wearing black socks and rimmed glasses? Is he cheap? Is he a nerd?

Is he a braggart? Is he a neat nick? Is he a controlling type?

Is he a sloppy kisser? Is he boring? Is he an old fuddy duddy?

And then Larry says, to all these questions, you can answer your girlfriend's a definitive no, in all caps. And he finishes with lastly, a little warning. This was good.

I heard there's a spider in one of the other guys' profiles. If I were you, I wouldn't chance it. Shout out to you, Larry.

Shout out to you. That was a bit of wit. Larry gets wit of the week and we appreciate the Larrys of the world.

The Larrys, I am the Travis's to be fair, for making our time online fun.

[Speaker 2]
Vanessa So I would love to just dissect this a little bit with you so that you can share a little bit for our listeners why you think Larry's approach was a good approach. Because obviously, it's not for everyone. And I'm sure there's many girls or ladies that would be looking at this and being like, yeah, too much kind of trying too hard or whatever.

Why do you think this stands out as a an authentic representation?

[Speaker 1]
Well, authentic is an interesting word. I found it witty. I found it witty.

So there's a lot of same-sames online. And I'm sure any of you listening who have been through this, it's a lot of the same. It's a lot of the same.

It's a lot of the same. I appreciate creativity. And I can see the way he went about it was something different.

He said, you know what? This is kind of cool. I'm going to do it my way.

Was he the best guy online that week? It's hard to know. But I want to give a shout out to anyone who gets a little creative with their bios.

It's easy. I go through a lot. Typically, we go through 12 a day, but often for clients, it's 10.

We go through quite a few. And so it was more the fact that he went, you know what? I'm going to do something different.

I want to do something creative here. It's like the guy at a party that wore a giant hat just for the sake of it. I'm like, all right.

Yeah, cool. We'll talk to him. He's wearing a nice hat.

He's wearing a cool hat. That's all. We're only here for meeting.

And I if someone's going to put clearly a bit of thought time and effort into meeting, that's cool. Let's have a chat to them.

[Speaker 2]
And I think that that actually speaks volumes. I think there's a real importance, you know, when we are scrolling through to not get caught up in the who's the sexiest one online, but it's actually like looking a little bit deeper of who actually has genuine character and is trying to demonstrate that character online as well. Yeah.

[Speaker 1]
And puts a little effort in, creativity, effort. We've all been online. We all know some of the profiles do not have any of those traits.

And so even though you can write a nice profile and say, you know, it can be a little generic, but you might say, yep, I love spending time with my friends and I love getting outdoors and that's all great. You might read it five times in the same day, but it's all true. I appreciated that Larry had the wit to go.

I'm going to have a little bit of fun with this. I'm going to do something different. And that's why he won wit of the week.

[Speaker 2]
Love it. Love it. Oh, this is fun.

I think this is going to be great. Great category to keep going.

[Speaker 1]
We'll bring it back every few weeks for the viewers amusement. So onto a slightly more serious topic. TL our topic of the day is, should you, is there ever a place to actively change who you are to be better at dating and relationships?

Now we haven't discussed this prior to the podcast. So I'm really curious to hear your take on this. I have a bit of a unique take, but I want to hand it over to you.

What are your thoughts? Client says to you, Hey TL, should I be changing myself to be better at dating and relationships? How do you see this?

[Speaker 2]
Really, really good. Juicy question. So my take on it is kind of two parts.

Yes. And no. Is that an answer?

[Speaker 1]
Oh, that's a little fed sitting for you, TL. I'm not used to you fed sitting.

[Speaker 2]
I'm a Libra. I'm a Libra.

[Speaker 1]
I'm always, you don't use your star sign as an excuse. Stop that. Stop it.

[Speaker 2]
I, okay. Cause because I see it changing myself, I think there are two parts to the self and we're going to go a little spiritual here. There's actually three parts to the self.

There is the body, there's the mind and there's the soul. So when someone says, should I change myself? Mark's still registering the three parts.

[Speaker 1]
Just registering the three parts. Makes sense. There's the head, there's the heart, and then there's a spirit.

So I get behind that. Yeah.

[Speaker 2]
And so it's kind of the question is, should I change myself? Well, which part of you are, are you looking to change? So if it's the, I want to change my soul, obviously no, we do not want to be changing who we are at a core essence soul level.

That is what makes us our each specific special snowflake blueprint that is inherently us for the world. And that can't be changed. That needs to be not just seen, but celebrated and really shown out in the world.

However, I think that where a lot of us get stuck is that our mind part tends to cast shadow or block that authentic expression of self with insecurities, doubts, projections, fears, thoughts, incessant chatter. And that part can actually block us from being our truest self. So do we need to change ourself?

Yes. Sometimes we do need to actually look at those parts of ourselves in the mind that are keeping us either blocked or hiding or holding us from allowing that authentic expression to shine and show for people to see.

[Speaker 1]
So when a client comes to you, let's say she says, well, I don't want to do that because that doesn't feel like me to a piece of advice you've given her. How do you respond to that?

[Speaker 2]
Yeah, well, first off, I really try to not give advice. I really try to ask questions to help come back to their intuitive sense of self and get their own wisdom, because I really believe that we have all the answers for ourself inside.

[Speaker 1]
That's an interesting topic. I want to note that because I would love to chat about that topic longer with you.

[Speaker 2]
Absolutely. So yeah, I'm really not saying you should do this, you should do that. I'm asking them what feels right to you?

What does feel in alignment to your soul, to your truest self? And oftentimes they will admit little things that they've been wanting or needing or feeling that their mind has been kind of telling them, no, no, no, you shouldn't do that. Or, oh, coaches have told me this, or I've watched YouTube videos that I should be doing that.

And so people get in conflict with them at their own self between what they think they should be doing or how they should be being versus how they really innately are. So yes, we do get to change those surface level projections and mental blocks to mostly to release them and let them go or completely radically reprogram them to get more in alignment with our actual essence of self.

[Speaker 1]
So I'm really curious how the depth applies here. So let's say that a client says to you something that you or I, at least I, and probably you would see as counteractive to their relationship goals. So we talk, for example, a lot about openness and open heartedness, you and I, it's something we both absolutely agree on.

So let's say that you suggest some form of open heartedness or you move a client towards that. And they say something to the nature of, well, Teal, that's not me. I'm just not an open person.

Is that a soul depth that they shouldn't be changing? Or is that a insecurity superficial depth that they actually should be changing in your opinion?

[Speaker 2]
Yeah, I think that that's usually an insecurity piece. If someone's feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, then I really get curious about where is that feeling of unsafety or not feeling like you can trust coming from because there's usually something more deeply going on there. I really do feel and believe that every single one of us is a beautiful being of light and love energy.

And I know this is so woo, but this is it. This is it in its most pure essence. And so if we really knew and believed that we were literally just this essence of love energy, how could that ever be untrusting or fearful or judgmental or critical?

We have these things that come on to us as we kind of go out into the world as protection mechanisms. But as we start to come back down to trusting who we are and knowing who we are and listening to who we really are, then we don't need all those things that actually distort the essence of who we're bringing out to the world and people can feel it.

[Speaker 1]
Yeah, I think I coach a pretty similar thing by the sounds of it. And we've all heard that metaphor about the elephant where it's on a pole when it's a very young elephant and then it can't get off the pole. And then once it grows up and becomes an older elephant, it still thinks it can't get off the pole, even though it has the strength to be able to escape.

And unfortunately, I think identity can be a lot like that because a lot of the stuff that we associate with is really just patterns and habits we've built up over the years. And in my experience, we've been doing them so long that we've forgotten a, there's any other option, or b, that it was really just a habit we adapted to something as a previous, what was happening to us in the past, we've just kind of done that thing to avoid some sort of pain. And then we've been doing it so long that we've now forgotten, as I say, there's any other option.

A simple example, this one's interesting because sometimes if there's, clients do come to me for a little bit more technique, strategy, practical side, as well as some of the deeper stuff. And so sometimes I'll make suggestions where they say, well, Mark, that isn't me, or that really doesn't feel like me. And for me personally, I've had to change myself a lot, whether it was coming to dating confidence, relationship confidence, being a businessman, the different areas where I've realized that to be successful in whatever endeavor I'm looking towards, I have had to consciously go, okay, that isn't me.

So I'm going to have to become that. A simple practical example might be, I recommend to clients virtually all the time to talk to men on the phone before you meet them. Now, sometimes obviously you've got to do safety considerations and such, but sometimes there's clients out there, and maybe you're can relate to this.

They say just, well, I'm not a phone person. And there's a degree where I understand that. But for me, I think it's a good example where the chains of who you were and the habits you used to have are holding back the person you could be and the relationships you could have.

And especially when I hear things like, I'm not good at conflict, I'm not a conflictual person, or I'm not good at sharing myself, or I'm not good at using feelings, all of these identities that people guard become like that elephant chain to the pole. It's like, you don't realize that you could break away from that. And so I think identity is such a wonderfully powerful tool, but I do see a lot, it actually becomes a thing that holds us back from change.

And that's sometimes, it gets sad. It frustrates me because we often stand by our identities, I think a little too strongly. And it's very obvious that if we don't see ourselves as someone, if we see ourselves as a extreme spender, who's terrible with money, and our goal is to save for a house, well, we kind of need to change who we are.

But it's interesting that in relationships, sometimes that's a little harder to interpret because you want to be loved for who you are and you want to bring your whole self. But so often clients, and I think you put it well, Teal, we get attached in our identity to a lot of these bad habits or things that we did just to avoid pain when we were teenagers or children. And then we've been doing that for 20, 30, 40 years, and someone suggests the opposite.

And we go, that's not me. And I think that's why I think more often than not, identity change is actually a good thing because it's pretty rare that I think the pure essence part comes under fire. In my experience, it's more of that superficial part that I see clients avidly defend.

[Speaker 2]
Yes. I love the way you articulate that. And you're right.

Maybe your clients are coming to you with this thinking that that is their identity, but that is only the surface level of their identity that they have been clinging onto. And it's really an invitation of actually asking them like, who are you underneath those things that you identify with? Because we are going to challenge you to change those pieces, but that to me is not really who you are.

[Speaker 1]
Yeah. And our identity will always, our brain as mammals is always looking for how we fit in. So we grow up, we meet mum, we meet dad, we meet cats, we meet apples, we meet all different things in the universe.

And we start to figure out, well, where do I fit in relative to that? Am I the favourite child or the second favourite child? Am I an apple fruit eater or am I a vegetable eater?

And we develop all these little things. Am I the loud one? Am I the quiet one?

Am I the open one? Am I the closed one? Am I the confident one?

Am I the shy one? Am I the smart one? Am I the street smart, the book smart one?

Am I the street smart one? And often it's just a bunch of things we happen to be good at or accidentally stumble upon when we're quite young.

[Speaker 2]
Or projected onto us from our family.

[Speaker 1]
Or projected onto us. Yeah. You're the smart one or the silly one or the trouble one or whatever it is.

And we develop these identities and it's so scary sometimes to grow up and realise we can step outside that because at least if you have an identity and you fit in a certain way, it's the you know. And I actually think, Teal, this is the biggest part or the hardest part, sorry, the most painful part of real transformation. It's kind of, it's putting that person that you know who is safe and familiar.

It's really ending that. It's like saying, okay, you got me to here, which I can be so grateful for, but it's time to, like, it's time to say goodbye to you and those boxes that I used to have to fit into because you know the boxes, they're safe, they're protective. And I see, I think the biggest temptation where I see clients revert is when they want to go back to those identity boxes that they know and trust.

And if you can do that part of identity change, that's and stay out, do it for 90 days minimum consistently with upkeep, that makes it permanent.

[Speaker 2]
Yes. Yes. A hundred percent.

I'm like nodding along like, yes, yes, yes. So really the question I think that we're both answering here is not, do we need to change ourself? Because if we're talking about self being the sole essence of who we are before we came into meeting mommy and daddy and all the labels that were then put onto us, that part of ourself does not change.

That is, that has always been the unique essence of us. What we're changing is all of these labels that we have interpreted to allow us to fit into our existing environment at the time. And what we're now looking at is seeing, okay, my environment has now changed or I feel like I want to change my environment.

I want to change the way things have been happening because what's been happening has not been working for me. And so let me change those labels and, and I guess accepted identities that I have taken on almost like a badge of honor or a pretty dress that no longer fits me anymore.

[Speaker 1]
I love that. Impulsivity was one I came across recently. Client said, I've always been an impulsive person.

I said, that's an identity you're going to have to change. Really, if you really want a stable, solid person, then are they going to choose someone who is impulsive or are they going to choose someone who mirrors that? And that's sort of clicked for her because she said, right, I've got to be what I want to attract.

I've got to work on being more stable myself and developing a new identity for the next 40 years of my life, as opposed to the last 40 around being stable, consistent. Doesn't mean you can't be spontaneous and have fun, of course, but I'm not the impulsive person that I used to be in relationships. So that little reframe really helped that client.

[Speaker 2]
That's fabulous. And that's something, yeah, I really lead a lot of my clients through this as well of asking them, who is the woman you want to become to attract that kind of relationship with the idea that, yeah, the woman that you are today is not necessarily the woman that is going to be the one attracting the type of relationship. Because I talk about it more, again, from the energy perspective of there's something in your frequency right now, which is an energetic match, like you're talking about as well, an energetic match for what you're attracting into your life right now.

And so even though you feel like you don't need to change who you are, there's something in your energy frequency that needs to be upgraded, up-leveled to allow you to step into a new frequency that's going to match you with the types of men that you're wanting.

[Speaker 1]
Very well said. So Teal, final thoughts for the listeners.

[Speaker 2]
Yeah. This has just been such a powerful, potent episode. I love how we can just go deep so quickly on these episodes.

And ladies, this is something I really want you to take this message and apply it to your life. We're here, not just for entertainment, we are here to help you grow and become a better version of yourself. So I would really love each of you to think about for yourself, where is this identity for you?

Where does it stand? Do you feel like you are connected to your truest essence of self? Or do you feel like there might be some projected identities or limiting identities that may have become integrated into who you are, that may, you might be outgrowing or have become outdated and reflect on that in journal about it.

And if you even want to get some extra brownie points, we would love to hear from you. We'd love for you to either email us or take a screen snapshot. Wow.

I cannot say that screen snapshot and post it on your Instagram, tag us, let us know your thoughts, because this is a really, really important part of growth. And that's what we're here for. The evolution of our soul and spirit.

And with that, we'll wrap it up for today. So good to have you here, Mark. No, what am I saying?

No, no, no.

[Speaker 1]
I was going to add something there.

[Speaker 2]
No, I'm sorry. You go.

[Speaker 1]
Very well said, Till. And I think looking at which of the identities are serving you in your relationship and dating goals and which of those you may have outgrown now and may need to break away from, which is still helpful to you and which might be holding you back from actually having the kind of relationship that you want and desire is really key with this identity work. Till, that was really fun.

[Speaker 2]
Yeah. Until next time.

[Speaker 1]
Until next time, guys. Thanks for listening. If you want to leave us a review, you can do so on the relevant podcast app.

It's been an absolute pleasure today. See you on the next episode of The Tinkerer Minute. Bye for now.