#33 Why He Committed To The Woman After You

In this epic episode, Teal and Mark discuss one of the most painful and frustrating questions dating coaches hear. The Good-Luck-Chuck dilemma of "Why did he commit to the next woman after me?!?" Mark unpacks how he helps clients through this problem, what different versions of this challenge look like, and how much responsibility the person experiencing the pattern should take.

In addition, the duo play "Would you rather" with difficult dating questions that lead into conversations about non-monogamy and Teal cutting all her hair off, Teal briefly turns the podcast into a psychic-medium favourite number session, and Mark reveals the bio he's been using and success he's been having with the latest update on the Tinder Project.

Join us for the fun and drop us your thoughts!

Chapters

00:00:00 Our Favourite... Numbers?
00:06:30 The Tinder Project Update
00:12:16 The Tinder Project Bio
00:17:45 Would You Rather: The Hot Seat
00:23:44 When Chemistry Isn’t Everything
00:26:36 Healthy Love Can Feel Boring? Here's Why
00:30:51 Why He Committed To The Next Woman After You
00:42:58 Want 1-1 Help? Book a call!

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction
• 0:40 Our Favourite... Numbers?
• 6:30 The Tinder Project Update
• 12:16 The Tinder Project Bio
• 17:45 Would You Rather: The Hot Seat
• 23:44 When Chemistry Isn’t Everything
• 26:36 Healthy Love Can Feel Boring? Here's Why
• 30:51 Why He Committed To The Next Woman After You
• 42:58 Want 1-1 Help? Book a call!

Transcript

[Speaker 1]
An update on The Tinder Project. Teal and I play a hot seat and why he committed to the next woman after you. We'll see you right after this.

G'day and welcome to The Tinder Project, the podcast where a straight Aussie man attempts to survive 365 days dating online as an American woman. I'm your host, Mark Rosenfeld, Australia's dating coach for women. I'm here with my sidekick, self-love coach, Teal Elizabeth, and together, we have one mission, to make meeting good men fun and easy for you.

Let's give it a bell. Teal.

[Speaker 2]
Hi, Mark.

[Speaker 1]
Hello, friend. Episode 33.

[Speaker 2]
Yes, I was just noticing that. I was like, this is so exciting. 33 to me is like such a magical universe number and wrapping up for a season, almost the season finale.

[Speaker 1]
I know.

[Speaker 2]
The Tinder Project, it's crazy.

[Speaker 1]
I know. Can I ask why is 33 a magical number?

[Speaker 2]
Oh, there's so many. I don't have the actual legitimate understanding of what makes it so magical. I just know that it is.

That's my truth.

[Speaker 1]
So specific. Love the logic there. I dated this girl back in the day and she would always point at the clock at random times and be like, that's so magical.

Look at the time. And it would be 1.11 or 3.16 or 4.44. She'd point at the freaking clock six times a day. I'm like, that's cute.

[Speaker 2]
It's your ways of angels communicating with you. So like I literally, my clients will text me about this and be like, I keep seeing this number. And I'm like, yeah, it's, well, that means that I actually have, I literally just, yeah, pulled this up.

The angel numbers and the meanings for each one. So 333 means your spiritual guides are around you, sending you love and support. 1111 is trust your gut and listen to your heart.

I know you're just rolling with it.

[Speaker 1]
I think you could swap the numbers around and they'd still be good advice.

[Speaker 2]
I hate to say it. 444 is protection. The universe and your guides are protecting you.

555 means change. But no, I seriously, I believe in all this stuff. Like I remember I was seeing 555 constantly in like February of 2020.

And I was like, why do I keep seeing 555, 555, 555, which means like change is imminent. Change is coming. And then bam, bam.

And my whole life just got uprooted. And like, I had to move from Bali back to the United States and like change my whole life. And it was, yeah.

So it's like your angels warning you, big, big things are coming.

[Speaker 1]
Do you have a favorite number Teal?

[Speaker 2]
I do. 11. Yeah.

[Speaker 1]
11 is your favorite number.

[Speaker 2]
And it's been my favorite number since I was like, since I knew numbers, like since I was like three years old. I can't explain it.

[Speaker 1]
A certain symmetry to those two lines next to each other that makes you happy.

[Speaker 2]
Well, 11 is an angel number. Yeah.

[Speaker 1]
Wait, how many angel numbers are there? They can't all be angel numbers Teal.

[Speaker 2]
It's the repeating numbers.

[Speaker 1]
Hang on, hang on. There has to be a polarity here. So if there's an angel number, is there a devil number?

Oh. You can't have it just one side of the planet.

[Speaker 2]
Oh, I never thought about that. I know a lot of this sounds hokey pokey bogus bullshit, but it makes me happy.

[Speaker 1]
I'm happy that it makes you happy. Out of curiosity, do you believe in psychics?

[Speaker 2]
I believe in psychic mediums as in like people that can channel messages from the divine and from angels. Yes. But do I believe in a lot of the people that call themselves psychics and like try and make money off of people for telling them their future?

No. So that's a, that's a non-answer as well. Yes.

[Speaker 1]
That's fair. I've seen, I've seen psychics do some pretty crazy things. I did, I did read one book by a guy who was a cold reader.

He was basically an expert in reading people. And I've always been a little skeptical since I read that because some of the stuff he could do, he explained how he did it and how he did these reads on people and they looked like, so I'm a little skeptic since I read that book, but yeah, there's definitely some stuff I see that's hard to explain.

[Speaker 2]
Yes. I know. I mean, I, I am deep in this virtual world and I have an energy healer shaman woman that I go to see.

Um, and she, from the moment I met her was able to tell me things about myself, about my past lives that like deeply resonated in my soul without ever meeting you.

[Speaker 1]
So she's legit. What's her name? Yeah.

[Speaker 2]
Her name is Brenda.

[Speaker 1]
Brenda. Shout out to you, Brenda, doing it for the real psychics out there, making a good name for them.

[Speaker 2]
And she's been able to like really help me make peace with this birth and like help me move through my own fears and traumas around like doing a natural birth. And like, you know, regardless of if it's channeled from angels or if it's just giving me wisdom that I need to hear right now, it's all important.

[Speaker 1]
I, you know, yeah. I think that the, the skeptic in me says that sometimes a psychic is, is a therapist in a different body that tell you things you need to hear when you need to hear them. And there's value in that even if it's not the way it's sold.

[Speaker 2]
Exactly, exactly. And maybe people are more receptive to hearing it if it's coming from spirit versus then just some lady talking to you and being like, you need to shift your mindset around this. Um, but yeah, it's okay.

You don't have to accept it. You don't have to accept it.

[Speaker 1]
I accept there's something, something spooky going on there, but I'm definitely skeptical of similar people that you're skeptic to skeptics of as well. Uh, I will say my favorite number is 631 Teal. 631.

Why are you laughing at my favorite number?

[Speaker 2]
If there was a great double number, I think that would be it.

[Speaker 1]
If there was a what? No, that's really mean. Wow.

Wow. 631 is my lucky number. I know.

You know why? Because my, no, I did it. No, I did it.

631 is it's the number where I met my best friend. He's still my best friend to this day. And it happened to be the apartment that Sam and I had our first date in.

So I have two really memories from number 631. So yeah, I always noticed that number now. Okay.

This is not the intended topic of the podcast guys. I don't know how we got so badly derailed here. Um, I'm going to try and get us back now we're doing the Tinder project.

It is the second last episode of the season. So I'm very excited to present to you preliminary results before the final season finale episode next week. And so far, Tia, we have been filtering for men.

I'm just going to read you out a little bit of the results we've had so far. Now we've moved over to Hinge and on Hinge, we have the same profile as we've had on the other two sites. We of course shortened it though, as in the same bio, same photos.

We did shorten it though, because on plenty of fish, okcupid, even match.com, they have much longer bios where you can really, really get some meat in there and get someone to read about yourself. Hinge has even less than Tinder. You've got three prompts.

I believe they're 150 characters each. There's very little to work with. So I had to really finagle to get the key things we want to filter for within those three questions.

We did do it though. Um, and it's been really interesting so far. So we are about 14 to 15 days in.

The, the guys in general are more attractive as in the average profiles, a better profile. So Hinge definitely compared to Okcupid or plenty of fish where it's a real mess. Hinge has more consistent guys.

What has been interesting is that not as many of them answer the question correctly. As in lots of guys will say, Oh, I'm looking for someone who's drama free. I'm looking for someone who's pretty, or they don't give an answer.

I'm looking for all of the above. So I've kind of was sort of joking. I was joking around with my clients.

They're sort of pretty, but not that smart so far. But I will say when I say that, um, you know, we've gone from on Okcupid, plenty of fish, maybe 70% of the guys answered the question correctly and got to chat with us on Hinge. It's more like 50%.

So it's not like there's none. There's just a notable downgrade in guys who don't get the question right, which I couldn't help but chuckle. Yeah.

It's kind of, and I think probably it's a combination of, um, there's yeah, there's probably guys with more options there. There's guys who are a little bit less dorky or less geeky. So they, they feel like they don't need to read the profile or they don't really think about this stuff as much.

Whereas guys who are maybe a bit more dorky, a bit more geeky, have to work a bit harder, end up on these other websites and actually put in the effort. Um, overall, we've had guys who have answered the question correctly, who have live in the right area and who have start, who have ended up in conversation with us and who are graded A or B as A, B, C, or D. So they, they got a good grade.

We've had so far in 14 days, we've had 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 actually. So I've had quite a lot, 17 guys, A or B answer the question compatible. So that's been really good.

Uh, I'm yeah. Cause they're, cause they're well filtered now. I will say again, of those 17, not as many yet have converted to dates.

Um, I'm noticing more of a drop-off than on the other websites. On the other websites, it was like, if they got to chat, almost all of them wanted a date. On this one, we've definitely lost a few along the way.

Um, obviously the messages are a little bit more structured. They're, they're asking value-based questions. They're a little bit less feminine.

So far we've given our number to six of the guys with, I'd say probably four more to happen tomorrow or the next day. So that'll be 10 out of 17. So that's not too bad.

And so far we've had three dates, but I'm expecting a couple more to come through today. So that should be about five dates. So pretty good.

Again, I think just the slightly better looking people put in slightly less effort. So when you really stand out on a weaker website, the top guys will notice you more. And even the not so top guys will put in more effort.

On Hinge, it's probably a little harder to stand out even with really great photos. So we're getting a little bit of drop off and I do only log on once a day. So there's that delay between messages.

So all in all, Hinge is going well. We've got 17 really solid potential guys who are compatible. Looks like probably by the end of it, half of them will turn into a date, which is eight dates in 21 days with qualified compatible guys who are A or B.

Great. By my clients, not by Mark, by my clients. So all in all, I think it's really cool.

And the cool part about this strategy, Teal, is basically all the messages are mostly copy paste. I mean, I tweaked them a little bit, but you change the name, you add one sentence, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Done.

[Speaker 2]
Yeah. That's really, really interesting because it sounds like you're saying there's a lot more A and B rated guys. Because I know on the other site, you were saying there's a lot more kind of B's and C's that you were seeing.

[Speaker 1]
Yeah. We've had three A's so far this month. And my clients, they're honest women.

They don't give an A out easily. And we do majority rules. So if two give A's, three give B's, it's a B.

So we've had three A's and one, two, three, four, five, 10, about 14 B's so far this month. The A's have all been more recent. So we'll see if those turn into matches.

But yeah, we definitely saw, we're seeing a higher attractive person ratio on Hinge, but we're seeing a lower question answer and bit lower follow through on Hinge. I think it's going to work out better on Hinge because there's just more people in general. But it's actually working out pretty well.

Yeah.

[Speaker 2]
Even with the really adamant questions and the straightforward responses? Yeah.

[Speaker 1]
Yeah. All the bio now, there is no fun in the bio. I mean, we're still presenting the information in an attractive way.

So it's not like you need to be this or leave me alone. No, don't ever do that. It's a very attractive way that we've done it.

We've got the right emoji and the right player. So we've got the upbeat. It's very inviting still.

It's not meet my standards or leave. So it's super inviting, but it also makes clear if you want to chat, answer this question. I can't wait to hear your answer.

So we don't have much bio room.

[Speaker 2]
I don't know if you were able to pull this up really quickly, but I think that could be really helpful for women listening to hear what you wrote in the bio. How to model that, because that's the finesse, right? How do we communicate our needs and our boundaries and our standards in a way that is attractive?

[Speaker 1]
That is the finesse. So let me show you if I can bring up either showing or yeah, or just reading it. If you have it, I think probably reading it's easier because otherwise we'll get into a bunch of technic techness, which we don't, no one's not interested.

[Speaker 2]
Yeah. And just while you're getting that up, like I know how difficult it is when you have a blank screen and you're like, how am I supposed to represent myself in three sentences here?

[Speaker 1]
Yeah.

[Speaker 2]
So here's what we did.

[Speaker 1]
We've got, we've only got three prompts on the hinge. So the first one was, I want someone who, so we just, I want someone who, and then we basically did a one, two, three, four. One notices I'm really cute with an emoji.

Two wants kids in the next 12 to 18 months. Three supports me stay at home momming and four likes that I'm both cute and direct with a kiss emoji. So see the top, the top and the bottom are like invitational attractive ones.

The middle two are the standards.

[Speaker 2]
The second one, the way to win me, tell me why you did it that way.

[Speaker 1]
Well, I want the energy to be inviting. We're putting some pretty heavy things in here. Kids in 12 to 18 months, me stay at home momming.

I want the person to have a good first impression. First thing they land notices I'm really cute. You know, that's adorable.

That's kind of confident. That conveys confidence. Exactly.

Exactly. And then because the next two was so direct, we sort of rounded it out with the last one where we said someone who, number four, likes that I'm both cute and direct and then the kiss emoji to really soften and make it playful. So we want it to end without standing, sounding, you know, very nicely done.

Would you like to hear the other two?

[Speaker 2]
Yeah.

[Speaker 1]
Two other prompts. So the second one was the way to win me over is, and our answer was answer this question as your opener to catch my attention. And from there we put the question, which is, which is most important for you to find in a woman and why?

And we've got A, drama free, B, open heartedness, C, gorgeous smile and D, conflict skills. And essentially we are A and C are trap answers for people who don't share values, B and D are the correct answers. So we want answers that sound good, but are not aligned.

There's no point saying, for example, what type of person are you? Someone who's loyal, someone who's not loyal, because everyone's going to put that they're loyal. So you need an answer that people without your value that you are looking for would want to click on to make themselves obvious.

So if you say, I want a woman who's drama free, a lot of guys who don't do a lot of relational work, or just think that all conflict is bad, are going to click on that because they're like, oh yeah, drama free, cool man. Yeah, sounds good. So you catch them with the trap answer.

[Speaker 2]
Sounds promising. It's like, that's a good answer.

[Speaker 1]
Or even good, gorgeous eyes and smile is like, well, that's not really going to make a relationship. So we, we have a couple of those. And then the last one is just, what if I told you that, this one we could honestly change.

It's, it's not been as powerful as the others, but this one was, what if I told you that I have a relationship coach? It's to help me remove any bad habits and be the best partner I can be. Smiley face.

Bonus points if you do too. So just putting it out there on the table, not being ashamed of it. And guys sometimes comment on that one as well.

[Speaker 2]
Nicely done, Mark.

[Speaker 1]
Those are examples of how we do that. So there you go, Teal. Any questions on that?

[Speaker 2]
No, I love it. I love it. And it's working.

It's absolutely working.

[Speaker 1]
It's filtering them well.

[Speaker 2]
And I just, I just want to emphasize again, what, how much I love what you're doing right now, because it's, it's modeling and demonstrating that it is safe to speak your needs. This is something I'm working with a lot with my clients right now. Multiple clients are really struggling with feeling comfortable and safe to actually have needs and speak those needs and not feel like you're going to make men run for the hills if you have needs.

And I know we talked a lot about on a previous episode about needs versus neediness, but it's just, it's so empowering and attractive when you actually own what you need and who you are when you do it in a fun, playful way.

[Speaker 1]
Yeah. Yeah. And, and I would add without restricting the man's autonomy in the process.

And that is, that's something I sort of alluded to a few weeks ago. So not, not to talk about here, but if you can really get your needs across so that they are heard without him feeling, you know, I don't get a choice. I'm restricted.

If you hand it over to him and trust his masculinity and trust that he will show up nine times out of 10, you will. But if you say you have to do this and really force it down his throat, nine times out of 10, he just, he has an instinct to run away. So I think that's an important demarcation there.

[Speaker 2]
Yeah, for sure.

[Speaker 1]
So Teal, moving on, we've got a bit of a game here that I thought we'd play on this episode. We're going to hit, hit each other with four quick fire questions. Listeners, I don't know what Teal's going to ask me.

I think Teal does have a bit of an inkling what I might ask her, but I'll try to be surprising nonetheless. Should we do one at a time Teal or should we hit, should we hit with four in a row?

[Speaker 2]
Let's do one at a time.

[Speaker 1]
One at a time. All right. Your first one.

[Speaker 2]
Okay. Um, these are all would you rather questions. So yes.

[Speaker 1]
I hate these. Difficult decisions incoming. Yep.

[Speaker 2]
Would you rather accidentally match with one of your clients on a dating app if you weren't married?

[Speaker 1]
If I'm married?

[Speaker 2]
If you're not married, if you weren't married.

[Speaker 1]
Oh, accidentally match with them.

[Speaker 2]
Hopefully you're not on a dating app if you're married, Mark.

[Speaker 1]
That's true. Yeah.

[Speaker 2]
That's a bit of a messy situation. With a client on a dating app, awkward, or have to coach your ex on how to find love.

[Speaker 1]
Oh God. Um.

[Speaker 2]
Both of them suck.

[Speaker 1]
Both of them suck, but they're very different sucks. I can imagine coaching your ex as a bit of an ego trip. That's like, oh, well you didn't get me, but let's go find you someone.

Like you'll be, you'll be fine. You'll be good. Um, I'd probably rather coach the ex.

[Speaker 2]
Yeah.

[Speaker 1]
I coach the ex. She can come to me and be like, yes, it's okay. You didn't get me, but we'll figure you out.

Now, if I've been dumped, no, it's the other way around. If I've been dumped, I do not want to be coaching my ex. Imagine that.

Oh my God, Mark, I can't be with you, but can you coach me to get someone better? Holy, absolutely not. Don't ever come to me again.

So that would depend on, yes, whether I was the dumper or the dumpy.

[Speaker 2]
Okay.

[Speaker 1]
All right. Uh, Teal, would you rather give up kissing or foreplay?

[Speaker 2]
Oh, I mean, isn't kissing kind of foreplay?

[Speaker 1]
Well, not for the purposes of this question. I've lip kissing. We're talking about lip kissing versus general, all other things foreplay.

[Speaker 2]
Oh, you know what? I really love kissing. So I'm going to say I would rather give up foreplay.

[Speaker 1]
All right.

[Speaker 2]
Yeah. To me, there's such an energetic connection that comes from a kiss. Maybe that's just the way I kiss.

[Speaker 1]
Maybe that could just be your foreplay. It's like kiss and then bam, we're off.

[Speaker 2]
Watch out. Okay. Um, would you rather always have amazing first dates that never lead to anything or awkward first dates that turn into a great relationship?

[Speaker 1]
Uh, definitely awkward first dates that turn into great relationships. Best first date sounds really depressing because you'd be just getting, getting really high and then just being disappointed. Disappointed over and over again.

That, I mean, I guess if, if like awesome first, yeah, maybe 20 year old me would give a different answer. Cause at that age, you don't have any relationship values. You're like, well, awesome first date sounds like sex is included.

So I'll just take all the awesome first date things, one after the other is great. But no, that would be old me. All right.

Your turn. Uh, if you were single, would you date a sex worker? Assuming that they had other values that aligned with you, blah, blah, blah.

[Speaker 2]
No. And this is nothing against you. And well, you didn't do sex working, but your dancing days.

I mean, I just, there's just too many, too many creepy diseases going around. I just wouldn't take, take the risk.

[Speaker 1]
Yeah.

[Speaker 2]
Yeah.

[Speaker 1]
Um, it's actually, I have a question on that. This, I guess this doesn't really apply in reverse, but I was going to say, what if they just did, I was like, what if they just did solo porn? Not really a thing with men, but let's pretend that you're a.

[Speaker 2]
They were a porn worker instead of a sex worker.

[Speaker 1]
But they weren't doing like couples porn. They were just doing solo porn. So no disease risk.

[Speaker 2]
Oh, okay. No disease risks. It's just the idea of them being that sexually open.

I would probably be open to it just for my own curiosity and how I could grow into my own, you know, learnings in that realm, but I wouldn't want to be bringing them home to the family.

[Speaker 1]
That's fair. That's fair.

[Speaker 2]
No Thanksgiving invitation. Let's see. Would you rather have a date who over shares way too much or one who refuses to share anything at all?

Oh, God.

[Speaker 1]
Oh, I mean, probably over shares too much because you'll get away from her after one date. With the ones that don't share at all, you go, I want to crack this one open. You spend years of your life chasing them before you finally realize you're never going to be with them.

So I'd probably take the one that I get away from quickly.

[Speaker 2]
Crash and burn. He takes the crash and burn approach.

[Speaker 1]
Save me some time. Just put me through hell, but leave me alone after that.

[Speaker 2]
Oh, one for you.

[Speaker 1]
Okay. Would you cut off all your hair if Spencer asked?

[Speaker 2]
Oh my God. Well, first off, Spencer would never ask.

[Speaker 1]
No, no, that wasn't the question.

[Speaker 2]
I once got bangs and he made fun of me for years about getting bangs. He called me bangs McGee.

[Speaker 1]
Really? Bangs McGee. Can you bring a photo to the season finale of you with bangs, please?

Okay. I don't like it.

[Speaker 2]
I don't like it. Ladies know what it means. Like what happens when you get bangs.

If you're not meant to have bangs, it's frightening. Anyways, so he would not ask me to do that. Would I do it if he asked me to do it?

No, no. I love my hair way too much.

[Speaker 1]
What if he said half?

[Speaker 2]
Cut it in half?

[Speaker 1]
What?

[Speaker 2]
Half? Like short, like a bob cut?

[Speaker 1]
Yeah.

[Speaker 2]
I would say let's start with a wig and see if you really like it before I go there.

[Speaker 1]
That's fair.

[Speaker 2]
I got a real, real love attachment to my hair and I've cut it short before and I hated it. And it's like, yeah. Okay.

That's fair. It's a part of my identity. Okay.

Last one for you. Would you rather date someone who's perfect on paper, but has no chemistry or someone who has insane chemistry, but red flags?

[Speaker 1]
I've dated insane chemistry with red flags. It's just a rollercoaster that never goes anywhere. It's really fun at the time.

So I think you need to do it at least once in your life, but it never goes anywhere. So if I have to pick one, we go, no chemistry. But you know what?

Even now as well, I think the more I mature, it's like chemistry can be built by the right actions. Of course, you can't make it electric, electric, but sometimes that's not even healthy to have that. I would definitely rather someone that, yeah, all the traits on paper.

I get along with them well. We can hang out for hours. You know, even sex with the most beautiful person.

It's still repetitive after a while. Still, you've got to try new things. The initial excitement, no matter who you're with, is going to fade with time.

It'll go in waves throughout your life, but if you're good companions with good values, I know it's slightly cliche saying this, but I actually kind of feel it to be true now because if you've actually got a real friend next to you, it makes life a lot more enjoyable.

[Speaker 2]
I couldn't agree more. And that's a real mature answer to say because chemistry is such a huge part of relating and being in a relationship with somebody, but it's not everything. No life companion.

I mean, that's what we're looking for in a partner, right? Is a life companion, someone to do life with. Exactly.

Yeah.

[Speaker 1]
And someone who you can hang out with every day and actually want to talk to them all the time, even if their clothes are staying on or they're in a bad mood and that's gonna, that's going to fuel your sex life anyway. So if you, even if you have high chemistry, you're going to end up resenting each other because you're on opposite values or you are not giving us, you're not giving me the high that you used to give me because you're not making me the center of your world anymore. There's just so much, I often say that the higher they start, the further they fall with chemistry, with clients.

So if you meet that really high chemistry person, first of all, it's really hard to make it work when it's nine or 10 out of 10 chemistry. But even if you do, there's a big come down. It's like doing cocaine for a year and a half and suddenly your cocaine stops working and you're like, well, is this, this isn't working?

This does, what's this sugar? Who put sugar in my cocaine? Who did it?

And you start to resent the drug because it's not giving you the high it used to. Well, the same thing happens with people. It's like, if your chemistry was out of this world, eventually that's going to fade.

And then you, you have this big come down from the way they used to make you feel to the very average way they sometimes make you feel now. And that come down, it leads to a lot of, a lot of resentment and unmet expectations. So better to start a little lower so you don't have such a big, a big high.

I was literally talking with a client an hour ago, just before this call. She was like, Mark, you know, on paper, he's so healthy. He treats me well.

He's most of the things, if not all the things I wrote on my vision. I don't obsess over him when I'm not around him. I have a great time when I'm with him.

It's just that when I'm not around him, I'm like, why aren't I obsessing over him? Why aren't I just thinking about him all the time? Like every other partner I've had.

I think it's because he's the first healthy partner I've had. But she's genuinely uncomfortable. You know, she's really struggling to be like, I don't know if I can do this.

And I said to her, this is probably based on my assessment. This is probably where your growth is right now is to kind of learn more about this discomfort that's coming up within you. Because it's actually not a good feeling.

Oh, love, it's going to feel amazing. You got to find the perfect person. Then you, you know, you find someone who's really healthy and you go, this doesn't feel amazing.

This feels kind of uncomfortable.

[Speaker 2]
Kind of boring.

[Speaker 1]
It's boring sometimes. I'm not obsessing over them. I'm just happy and relaxed.

What the hell?

[Speaker 2]
I was literally having the same conversation with a client of mine yesterday as well. Yes. I'm like, you've made it to healthy, secure land.

Yay. Congratulations. This feels weird.

[Speaker 1]
I don't know if I've ever told you the kitchen and the, the library metaphor. Have I ever used that one?

[Speaker 2]
No, tell me about it.

[Speaker 1]
Sometimes when you grow up with trauma, instability, love is like a roller coaster. It's like growing up in a healthy... Sorry, growing up in a busy kitchen, a sous chef kitchen.

People are yelling, there's pots and pans and clanging and blah, blah, blah. All your relationships feel like that. And then suddenly someone picks you up, puts you in a library.

And that's what your relationships are now. And you're sitting there and you start gripping the table being like, where's all the noise? What's wrong with this place?

You throw a table up in the air, throw a book at someone, you know, you're trying to make, make it. And the nervous system becomes acclimatized to that higher level of anxiety. So when it's lower, it's actually quite challenging to sit with.

[Speaker 2]
Yeah. Yeah. But I love what you just mentioned there, which is highlighting that it's the nervous system that needs to just acclimate to the different, the different places.

[Speaker 1]
Acclimation. What a word.

[Speaker 2]
Acclimate? Well, you said acclimatize.

[Speaker 1]
Yeah, I just think it's a great word. It was a very relevant word to bring up in that context.

[Speaker 2]
Yeah. Yeah, it is. It's like temperature.

Yeah. You just have to really get back down to a new stable temperature and you will. And that's the thing I want to reassure ladies listening is like you will acclimate to a different level.

It may feel off and it may feel uncomfortable. It may feel boring, but it's not going to be a boring relationship. It's just your body and your nervous system learning.

How do I actually get to a place of peace and calm?

[Speaker 1]
I mean, she has a great time with him. It's not like she's sitting around when she's with him. Yeah.

It's just like when she's not, she's like, wait a minute, something, something's wrong. That's not wrong. There's nothing wrong.

And it feels so wrong.

[Speaker 2]
Our minds are such a minefield, aren't they?

[Speaker 1]
Oh no, it's hilarious. All right. One more for you.

[Speaker 2]
Oh yes, that's right.

[Speaker 1]
One more. Would you stay married if your partner wanted to do non-monogamy? Came to you one day and says, I've had a vision and epiphany.

I think I'm definitely non-monogamous. I love you, baby. This is not going to threaten you at all.

I just think we should also see other people.

[Speaker 2]
I guess I would want to understand deeper on the whys and why he wants, you know, to have other people in his life. If it's purely a sexual outlet, that could be one thing. If it's a, I'm not feeling fulfilled by you anymore, that's a whole different thing.

[Speaker 1]
Which would you feel more comfortable with?